The blessings of my illness (poem)

As I feel the loneliness sweep over me
I remember you’re there
Never leaving my side
Though I feel like I am not near
To you
I stop for a second and remember Your words
That You are Oft Forgiving
Even in the times of my insanity
You still love me
As depression sweeps over me
You are still here
When others have abandoned me
As I lower my head to the ground
The tears drenching the ground
Your Mercy sweeps over my soul
Even though it feels empty
Everything is an illusion but Your Mercy
Your Love
No one can say You never loved
Your believers
In times of oppression and times of joy
What is so beautiful about You
Is You still forgive
Even when this strange thing You’ve burdened me with
That I lose control of my own mind
And do silly things
You still forgive
How can one say You are evil
That You are uncaring
‘Cause even if I sinned
You are still there, waiting for your slave to return
To worship You when they fall
You are ready to pick me up when I stumble
And when the darkness befalls again
I remember You say ‘Iqra bi-ismi rabbika allathee khalaq’
So I read!
And my soul is overwhelmed with joy
Eventually the mania sets in
And I am the most sincere & addicted slave
Like a child when they open their presents on Eid
I am in love, I become insane with worship
Then this crazy illness You’ve instilled in my mind, body and soul
Kicks me to the ground again
And I struggle to worship You, while hating myself
As if the devil is inside my heart
Inside is a box
Where my soul sits
With a candle and a match,
trying to relight the wick that sits upon the wax
Every time my soul lights the match
The devil comes with its darkness
As its dirty hands come to squeeze the light out of the flame
Yet You still love me
And given me this burden where I rise and fall
Such a beautiful mercy
That You let me rise to You
Then fall
Then rise again and You forgive me for falling
What will it look like on the Day of Judgment?
This rising and falling
It must truly have an impact on my position near you in Jannah